As humans, we know that the hardest part is to apologize for our mistakes because people feel that they are showing their vulnerability to the mistakes made. In truth, reality shows that he is one of the most exalted.
Out of pride, however, many live with accumulated resentment, which enables us to do this frontally and healthily, thus reconciling distant positions and resolving unpleasant situations.
Excusing is much more than asking for forgiveness spoken out of the mouth in passing. It’s deeper, it’s an internal process that needs to be worked out by the parties involved and that makes it possible to clean up and clarify what was disruptive.
As you will find out later, this is possible even when people are no longer with us physically.
What mistakes are often made when apologizing?
First, remember that there is some tendency for variability from a behavioral standpoint that is very elusive when it comes to correcting mistakes and respecting the given word. So it helps to have a method.
- Read: The 4 Essential Elements To Apologize
Other mistakes try to hide what is happening and make excuses of all kinds. lying to yourself that it is “not that bad” and not being sensitive to the effect our mistake may have had on other people; That is, the person has no record of the emotional impact produced. It’s an unconscious denial mechanism.
And very often, there is no knowing how to find the right moment, which means you may want to lose the weight yourself, even if the other party is unable or unwilling to receive an apology.
6 ways to deal with a sincere apology
Why do you need a “method” to apologize? Basically because it helps every person to become aware of the depth of their mistakes and the mistakes they are making.
In certain personality types, this is associated with a feeling of being exposed to others and being incompetent. Hence many times The way apologies are given is awkward and inappropriate.
People tend to get nervous, not look in the eyes, blush, and find no words. and even use an inappropriate method to do so, e.g. B. Sending a text message on your cell phone in a really serious situation.
Each method is designed to help create a virtuous cycle of trust rebuilding. with others demonstrated with this apology and who through continued action will be ratified over time.
We’re going to review 6 methods with specific techniques to apologize here:
The Stanford Method
In their opinion, researchers from the social fields at Stanford University have put together an ideal apology formula that includes four points:
- The first is that you understand and be aware that you made a mistake.
- Second: You take responsibility without transferring it to others. You take over.
- Third, it’s important to come up with a plan to sort things out.
- Fourth, make a commitment to act without overreacting and to take precautions in similar situations in the future.
The damage repair method
In this case, there are six steps you can take to fix the damage that has occurred:
- Step One: Express your sincere regret in a short, direct, and frank way. Bringing up a list of excuses and “buts” won’t help you.
- Second, explain from your point of view what you think went wrong, as long as it was not your intention. Here it is important to explain and clarify how you felt and that you can imagine how the other party experienced it. This point aims to create empathy with others.
- Third, accept your joint responsibility for the damage that has occurred without apologizing. You could bear this responsibility entirely or not at all and always express it in the first person singular (“I feel that …”, “I personally assume …”).
- Make an offer to repair or mitigate any damage that may have been caused. It is not always about material problems, but it is also damaged by emotions, feelings and behaviors. The offer must be proportional to the size of the defect.
- Excuse me: so far you have apologized and repented. This last point implies asking for forgiveness, with all the depth that it implies.
The PANDA method
This practice emerges from various sociological and psychological studies, including those based on Stanford University’s self-transformation theory itself and reflected in some psychological publications such as PsychCentral based on social experimentation and study.
To keep this in mind, we can recall the acrostic PANDA:
Q: Promise and Deliver. There is no point filling the apology with words if you are unaware of your mistake. A lot of people just say, “forgive me, I’m sorry” thinking that that alone is enough. Rather, any promise that is not kept is a false promise and therefore not worth the apology.
A: Admit you were wrong. This is the critical point at which most people fail because it shows that they are fallible, which, on the other hand, is inherent in the human condition: on this physical level there is no perfection and we all make mistakes. In this step, it is very important to accept this with sincerity, honesty and frontality. Verbal language is so important (what I say with words makes up about 10% of our communication in emotional contexts) and non-verbal (what I say through gestures, posture, intonation, what the remaining 90% are). There is no point in saying words on the side to admit the mistake when the body says otherwise.
N: Don’t make excuses; We no longer need explanations. This is not the time. Only talk about yourself, not the other party. Here is another area where people often fail because of the need to internally comfort themselves in apologizing for their mistakes. Knowing that they are to blame, they either want to minimize it or justify it. The preferred way is to make excuses like “is that something like this happened …”, “if you didn’t tell me …”, “it wouldn’t happen if …”. And as can be seen, the behavior in these cases is evasive as it places responsibility for the fact outside of the person.
Responsibility can be understood as “response / ability”, the ability to react to the things we live. And that’s exactly what the apology is about: it’s about taking responsibility for your actions.
D: Describe how you would react to a similar situation the next time. This step of the PANDA Method is critical as it aims to establish a concrete and specific line of action (not just aspirations or “I’ll try”), but also to explain with complete clarity how you might act next time Situation occur. similar.
What appears at this point is the learning curve: we made a mistake, we apologize using the PANDA method, and based on what we learned from it, I expose the other party – who may be affected by the mistake. – How will I act if this happens again, what precautions will I take, how can I expect not to run into the same error?
- You may be interested in: Sorry, but no: Superficial apologies challenge your credibility and trust. Here we tell you why.
A: Keep your promise consistently and keep your word. The correspondence between what we think, feel, say and do creates a new framework of trust that may have been damaged or lost directly because a mistake was made, if the case was not excused.
This point aims to ensure that the actions that follow in the interactions are completely in line with what has been promised.
3 ways to apologize to someone who is physically gone
Now you know three more methods that focus on situations where people have passed away. They are specific to when there is guilt and you want to alleviate it and apologize.
As you can see, it is possible to apologize to people who are physically absent. These three techniques have to trust the processand are based on letting go of the burden of guilt or remorse you feel about the person who couldn’t save the situation in the present.
Here you have explained them using their step-by-step techniques:
Technique No. 1:
One way to accomplish this is to handwrite the apology in detail, honestly, and emotionally. Then have a brief ceremony where you burn this letter and imagine that the other person received the message.
Technique No. 2::
Another method that works is to say thank you for this experience that was unhappy before this person who is no longer physically there. Gratitude is a very powerful tool for healing and peace of mind, especially for repairing past situations.
In this case, I suggest giving this difficult situation a moment of appreciation by verbalizing the apology in your own words at the beginning of the day and before going to bed. The suggestion is to do it every day until you feel peace of mind.
Technique No. 3:
When there is a relative of that person willing to listen to you so they can apologize in person, as if you were doing it to the original person. This exercise is more difficult as it can be complex or painful situations at times. When the person knows how to receive it and pass it on to their family member, it can be comforting to the apology. Although the goal I propose is not to wait for this relative’s acceptance – because of the burden of pain that comes from the fact of apologizing and losing the relative -; Rather, it is about gaining peace of mind within you and demonstrating your true intention to keep it sane.
“Forgiving is not forgotten. But it helps to let go of the pain”, says Kathy Hedberg. The truth is, it will make life easier for you in terms of the fact that you want to fix. And that’s the best symbol of the practicality of a sincere apology you could ever have.